Tuesday, June 2, 2009

No More Fat Talk

End Fat Talk., An interview with Jillian Michaels.

I am guilty of fat talk. Not about other people so much. I generally talk up my friends, people I know. Tell them how great they look, tell them that it's nonsense to say they're fat, tell them that I think they are beautiful. I'm always upbeat, cheering other people on.

I do not do the same for myself. In fact I am barely nice to myself in this journey to become more fit, to lose weight. I belittle my accomplishments and beat myself up over supposed failings. I know I am focusing on the wrong things. I know I am too hard on myself. Life is too short to be so harsh on myself over something so little as 12 pounds. I know I am should be better, should have more of a focus on health and fitness. But I don't know how to change my self perception. I don't know how to alter my skewed body image.

Even now I want to make a list of the things I don't like about my body, how I look, just to say say how unimportant they are. Well, if they are that unimportant, why list them at all? So I'm not going to. Because they don't matter. No more fat talk. Only body positive, Holly positive, talk from here on out. How much have I set myself back by being negative, by stressing out over every little calorie, by getting anxious about what I am eating or not eating, by stressing out over my weight? Stress affects weight loss too. Often negatively. Why make myself unhappy, when honestly there isn't anything to be unhappy over.

I, too often, focus on the wrong things. Do I want to lose more weight? Sure. Do I need to? No. Will it make my life better to? Probably not. I want to lose the weight for vanity reasons. And just to prove that I can. Why does the weight, the number, matter? It doesn't. It really doesn't. I know that but there is such a focus on being skinny, on that scale number being small. Health is more important. Fitness is more important. Feeling good when I look in the mirror is more important than those numbers on the scale. I've lost about 8 lb. since January. 8 lb. is not a huge loss. I'm about 12 lb. from my goal. But more than that, what else have I lost? What have I gained? 8 lb. may not be much but I have transformed how I look in those 8 lb. I have lost 10.75 inches off my bust, waist, belly and hips. Almost 11 inches! That's a huge difference! That has changed how my body looks, as has the muscle tone that I have gained from working out. Those two things combined have completely altered how my body looks, how my clothes fit. And they have completely changed how I feel when I look in the mirror. It wasn't the 8 lb. that did that, that makes me feel good when I look in the mirror and like how my clothes fit. It was the exercise and toning up, the losing 10 inches, that did that. Okay, maybe the 8 lb. helped do that but it didn't do it alone. And let's not forget the 2 inches I have lost off each thigh!

I look so much different than I did in January. I look so much better. And I didn't look bad then! I am look great right now. I've built up lean, toned muscles. My thighs are thinner, my waist is smaller, my belly is flatter, my arms are more defined. My husband thinks I am hot. I am hot. There is nothing about my body that needs improvement. I might want to improve parts of it but that's different than need. And then changes that I want to make? They have much more to do with exercise and being healthy, than weight.

And speaking of exercise, look at how far I have come there! I am back to working out 5-6 days a week for at least 30 min, often an hour or more. I've purchased a treadmill. I strength train. I do other cardio. I have tried CrossFit. I push myself. And look how far I have come with my running. So far. I went 4 miles the other day. I have never done that before. I called my brother tonight and made plans with him to run while I am home. Will I be as good as him? Probably not and I will probably have to make him stop and walk with me but I will use his ability to push myself, to make myself better.

I think I need to focus on making my goals more fitness-based. I don't know want to drop my weight goal though. I don't want to admit defeat on that, even though I am fine with where I am at weight-wise. I really do like how I look lately and I am happy with it but I can't deny that part of me is hungry for that lower number. I want to say, proudly, that I have lost 20 lb. I want people to notice. But what is it worth? Is it worth stress and anxiety? No. But how do I get there without the stress and anxiety? I don't think I am very good at not stressing about it. And as for fitness goals... I don't really know how to make those. I do have one. I want to run a 5K. But what other goals can I make fitness- or health-wise? I'm not sure where to start as I've focused on weight loss and weight goals for so long. Improving how many push-ups I can do in a minute? Improving how many burpees I can do in a minute? Air-squats? Sit-ups? Or shoud I look at lowering my body fat percentage? Lowering my BMI? Both of those seem like comendable goals as well but are fairly directly related to weight. I guess that is something I need to think about. My weight goal is 130 but I think I need to focus on fitness and health goals over my weight goal and let my weight work itself out. Does that make me a quitter? I almost feel like it does. I feel a little ashamed. I don't want to give up. I'm just tired of negativity. I just want to focus on the positive, on bettering myself, on being more, not on being less, being a smaller number.


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